Super Amazing Wagon Adventure

Guide three heroes on a quest for glory and new beginnings

Release: Summer 2012 (PC)

By Ian Coppock

As I'm always quick to harp on, ridiculousness in video games is good when done well. I've also said more than once that a lot of innovation has come out of indie gaming in the past few years. Devoid of cash, a few wily designers conspire in their mothers' basements to produce something that can compete with the likes of big-budget studio games at a fraction of the cost. These games contain amusing or clever innovations to compensate for the lack of personnel and resources. Super Amazing Wagon Adventure accomplishes both of these things. It's fully self-aware of how outrageous it is, and is one of the most amusing games I've played in a while.

Yup. That wagon is in space.

Today's review is going to be a bit different. The game follows three characters whom you create and send off on the aforementioned retro-styled wagon adventure, so no two narratives are the same. With that in mind, I created my own team of all-star pioneers and set out to find fortune and glory on what only an LSD addict could call the trail out west. So without further ado, let's get into the epic saga that is Super Amazing Wagon Adventure.

Day One: The Unicorn Ambush

As the sun simmered atop the horizon, the pioneer team of Bogsworth, Theodore and Millicent gathered about their trusty Conestoga wagon. Being the oldest and grumpiest of the three, Bogsworth assumed command over the wiry-framed and dark-haired Theodore, and the lovely brunette Millicent. They climbed aboard and set out, only to be beset by a swarm of deer. Needing supplies, Bogsworth broke out his chain gun and set bloody fire to the herds, but not soon enough to stop Theodore from getting a face-full of skunk gas.

'Twas a dangerous and bloody hunt.

After slaughtering more wildlife than a redneck on cocaine, Bogsworth led the wagon into a glen, wherein a unicorn grazed. Opting to follow the pretty beast rather than shoot it, Bogsworth found himself the victim of a fast one. It was a unicorn ambush.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Bogsworth was immediately impaled upon a passing unicorn, his rapidly spilled guts leaving a glistening trail upon the wagon seat. Millicent took up the bloodsoaked reigns, only to be similarly disemboweled by the horn of another beast. Only Theodore remained to crest the charge, and so valiantly shot and dodged his way through the ambush.

Then a dragon attacked.

Oh my God what the hell is this?!?

Theodore stood no chance. His frame, fair and well-toned in life, was forever emblazoned into the canvas of his wagon like a sticky scab set aflame. The charred wagon husk that was once the hopes and dreams of a wayward trio trundled to a halt and burst into nuclear fire.

Day 2: The Asteroids

After restarting, I mean... um... reincarnating, the trio set out on a second attempt at riches and livelihood. They loaded their wagon high with the hides and meat of a passing deer swarm. Spotting such a bounty passing their way, a coven of outlaws descended upon the trio. Bogsworth shot and shot well, but could not stop his limbs from being severed by the cruel evisceration of outlaw gunfire. Millicent next took up the rifle while Theodore drove.

I guess this is better than being swarmed by an armada of unicorns.

Though pressed for bullets and speed, the duo was victorious, leaving behind them the crumpled and bloody bodies of the outlaws.

Only to be set upon by a dude with a goddamn Gatling gun.

GODDAMMIT!!!!!

Theodore drove valiantly and with skills worthy of Churchill Downs, but perished when a stray bullet caused him to fall from the wagon and immediately get trampled by the wagon wheels he'd varnished that very morning. Millicent, armed with gun and reigns, emerged triumphant over the would-be aggressors. Though, sadly, she was all that remained of the trio.

After picking some berries and replenishing her supplies, Millicent arrived to a roaring river. She realized that she could either ford the river or jump across. With both options equally feasible, she decided to jump it. A sudden gust of wind carried her into low orbit, and she found herself Earth's sole defendant against a massive belt of asteroids.

Oh my frickin' Lord...

Millicent was outmatched. Though she somehow survived the vacuum of space, the wagon was crushed quite spectacularly between two burly asteroids. Were it not for the cold of space, her entrails would have exploded from between the rocks like rogue toothpaste, rather than freeze instantaneously. So concluded the team's second attempt at glory.

What is this I don't even...

Day Three: The Woman in Red

After miraculously returning to life a second time, the trio decided to make one final attempt at reaching the old west. Similarly to before, they managed to gather food and get Theodore gas-blasted in the face by a skunk. They once again came upon the unicorn in the glen, but Bogsworth, now the wiser, Gatling-gunned that little bastard into the atoms of the soil.

I'm not falling for your monkey business a second time, unicorn.

With their rations boosted by magical unicorn meat, the team was in high spirits. Millicent left the wagon to scrounge for food and came upon some tasty mushrooms. After eating them, she decided to return to the wagon, but began feeling strange. With little choice, she slipped into an awesome high and battled her inner demons within a ripoff of Purgatory. How bloody the fight was, though she regained her senses and strolled back to her comrades.

The group decided to jump the nearby river. They launched their wagon and oxen into the sky, and landed successfully upon the other side! Hoorah! They set off into the desert with songs in their hearts and came upon a herd of bison! Another successful day for the team.

MOAR FOODS!!!!

Or so it was, until the bison stampeded.

HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Millicent was the first to perish, her neck snapped when a bison lept adopt the wagon and gored her esophagus. Theodore once again fell off the wagon and was once again pounded into a bloody pulp by the wagon's frenzied wheels. Only Bogsworth, faithful Bogsworth, remained.

And he survived.

Is this real? Did I actually get past all those bison?

Tired, hungry and wounded, Bogsworth pressed on. He saw a beautiful woman in a red dress beholding the desert sunset, and dismounted his wagon to inquire after her presence, and whether she needed assistance. As he approached the delicate, gorgeous creature before him, she turned around and shot him in the liver, killing him instantly. 

It was not, as some may think, the gunshot that did him in. The sheer amount of alcohol Bogsworth consumed on a daily basis instantaneously ovveran his system without the liver to regulate it. He died. The woman summoned a nearby posse of bandits, and the gang feasted upon his remains, stripped the wagon for parts and rode merrily into the night.

So ends the tale of Bogsworth, Theodore and Millicent.

Should I get this game?

You've read the story, only you can answer that question. Will you turn away a chance at glory, or lead your own epic trio on an awesome and amazing journey to inner acceptance and riches?

I may have taken some creative liberties with the death descriptors, but all of those events actually happened.

Download Super Amazing Wagon Adventure

Yeah... see you next week :D