Sleeping Dogs

Topple a Chinese crime syndicate from the inside

Release: August 13, 2012 (PC, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360)

By Ian Coppock

Too numerous are the gun games that are all steak or all sizzle. They're either repetitive grind-heavy campaigns with a very skeletal narrative (Lost Planet 2), or a series of timed setpieces that look really cool but force the player to watch quietly (much of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3). Gamers looking for a more in-depth alternative turn to violent open-world games like Grand Theft Auto, a series that's stuffed with bad design choices but given a free pass because it's possible to destroy legions of hookers with a stolen rocket launcher. Sleeping Dogs is also an open-world shoot-em-up, but it contains one of the best narratives I've seen in recent video gaming. It's been said that this game is a Grand Theft Auto clone; nay. GTA wishes that it was a clone of this game.

The Story

Even having finished the game and most of the DLC, the meaning behind the title Sleeping Dogs eludes me. I choose to think that it alleges to dogs only being as dangerous as their state of alertness, or something, which is fitting because this game is all about infiltration.

Sleeping Dogs takes place in modern-day Hong Kong, and follows Wei Shen, a young Chinese-American police officer who spent his childhood in Hong Kong but his teen and early adult years in San Francisco. Because of his keen knowledge of the triads, China's largest crime syndicates, Shen is borrowed from the San Francisco police department and seconded to Hong Kong. His mission? Infiltrate the Sun On Yee triad and bring it down from the inside.

Wei Shen is the protagonist of Sleeping Dogs. He's an undercover cop, but the street gang he's thrown in with doesn't know that.
Do they?

Shortly after returning to Hong Kong, Wei is arrested and placed in the same jail cell as his childhood friend and Sun On Yee errand boy, Jackie Ma, who promises Shen a place in the organization upon their release. Shen's status as a cop is known only to a handful of other officers, including by-the-book handler Raymond Mak and ruthless superintendent Thomas Pendrew.

Upon release, Wei throws in with the Water Street Gang, a Sun On Yee group led by Winston Chu, another childhood acquaintance. From there, Wei must embark upon dangerous missions to prove his loyalty to the Sun On Yee.

Having already caught and killed another undercover cop, the Sun On Yee is immediately suspicious of newcomers. Wei  is forced to rely upon his wits as much as his skill with a gun to earn the trust of the syndicate.

As Wei shoots, steals and intimidates his way around Hong Kong, he becomes the victim of numerous inner conflicts. He's torn between his loyalty to the people he ran with as a child, who protected and befriended him in tough times, and his loyalty to the law. He also suffers guilt from the numerous robberies, assaults and murders he must commit in order to infiltrate the syndicate and serve the greater good. 

All of these conflicts made the game significantly more interesting to me than Grand Theft Auto, in which the protagonist is an uncomplicated thug who just wants to climb the ladder. Wei's ascent up a similar ladder is dogged by his inner demons and his mission as an undercover officer. At the same time, I found myself becoming attached to the gang as Wei got to know them better. Winston Chu became less an angry street thug and more an aspiring family man, who soon has Wei helping him prepare for his wedding and taking care of his mother. The syndicate at large treats its members as family, adherent to a code larger than street crimes. You can imagine how all of this is more interesting than a story about a bunch of greedy gang-bangers.

While the Sun On Yee is a criminal organization, it's bound by tenets of loyalty to one another and  to the well-being of the group. Members treat each other like brothers and sisters, and the organization is guided by ancient codes and laws, not just profit.

Matters in the Sun On Yee become complicated when a power struggle plagues the organization. Wei is forced to navigate an increasingly dangerous environment and build alliances with different Sun On Yee leaders, called Red Poles. His skills attract him the attention of the organization's top leadership, including the grandfatherly Uncle Po, the sadistic Henry "Big Smile" Lee, and shadowy Broken Nose Jiang.

I won't spoil the ending, but I will say that Sleeping Dogs was my favorite game of 2012 and perhaps the most underrated game I've ever played. Critics gave Sleeping Dogs positive reviews, but not the critical acclaim I feel it deserves. The storyline is so neatly woven, and Wei's ongoing character development is worthy of Bioshock-level narratives.

Sleeping Dogs has one of the best casts of characters I've ever seen in a game. Each character is well-written, their personalities are fleshed out, and they occupy diverse niches of Wei's life. They accent the conflict the character suffers.

The story of Sleeping Dogs is excellent for several reasons. It chronicles a harrowing and thrilling journey, but it also pays special attention to how that journey shapes its participants. Square Enix made sure that the narrative changed and touched each character, creating a rich and unpredictable story dynamic.

You also get the sense that Wei truly is alone in his mission. He can only interface so often with his police colleagues, creating a strong sense of isolation that keeps the story's tension high.

Everything revolves around Wei's duality as a police officer and as a gangster.

Happily enough, Square Enix compounded Sleeping Dogs' impressive story with some seriously smooth gameplay. Cover and gunfights are both fun and intuitively mapped. Cars handle smoothly and are augmented by an in-game GPS system that gives you hovering pointers and arrows in the actual game world as well as on a separate map, which is great if you're like me and have no sense of direction. The game also passively records various car records and stunts, like top speed, tricks and collisions. Of course, there's also street racing.

The best feature of Sleeping Dogs' gameplay is the hand-to-hand combat. As one might expect, martial arts factor heavily into a game based in Hong Kong. The combat is very similar to that of Batman: Arkham Asylum. Wei can switch effortlessly between various foes and unleash devastating combos and counterattacks.

The combat in Sleeping Dogs is beautifully done. The mapping, I mean, not necessarily the blood.

What else is awesome? The collectibles in this game actually serve a purpose other than just being there. I couldn't care less about collectibles that are just there for their own sake or for an achievement, but the ones in Sleeping Dogs? No. Wei Shen can find jade statues that he can trade in for new martial arts instruction, and, perhaps just as awesomely, piles of money that are just sitting around in the city. Now THOSE are collectibles I can obsess over!

The Artwork

The city of Hong Kong is a heavily detailed environment. Having been to busy Chinese cities myself, I can vouch for Square Enix's attention to everything from store layouts to mazes of bright neon signs. The character and combat animations are well-coordinated too.

There's a lot to gawk at in Sleeping Dog's rendition of Hong Kong.

The environments in this game do have a few glaring flaws, though. The biggest and most obvious is the traffic, which is extremely sparse. It would have been more convincing if the streets had been absolutely packed with cars, just like any large city but especially Chinese cities. I also feel like this complaint has gameplay merit, because I found myself waiting an absurdly long time for a car to pass by so I could hijack it. I often found it easier to simply sprint to my next destination rather than wait for a car to pass by.

Where the hell are all the cars? I know that absolutely packing them into the streets would take a lot of computing power, but surely they can put in at least a few more than this.

It's a good thing Sleeping Dogs has a lot of story and gameplay power, because it's one of the glitchiest games I've played in recent memory. The most common glitch was when Wei's clothing would suddenly freak out and revert to its basic pixels, making it look like he'd fallen into a dunking booth full of glitter. The map would sometimes turn into a giant cross of pixels, making me wonder if Square Enix was trying to hit me with subliminal messages about Jesus Christ? I don't know. None of these glitches made the game stop, but it's a lot harder for me to take Wei seriously when he's wearing what looks like a glittering rubix cube.

Step aside, assholes. The Glitter Gang has hit Hong Kong and we're going to mess some s*** up.

Should I get it?

Though the glitches can get annoying, Sleeping Dogs is definitely for any gamer searching for an in-depth, unusually fluid narrative. It's one of those rare games that has near-perfect gameplay in every sector, including gunfights, hand-to-hand combat and car chases. It also doesn't hurt to visit a setting not often seen in western video games, making for an unfamiliar but enticing set of artwork. Like I said, Sleeping Dogs was a true underdog, coming out of nowhere to become one of my favorite games. It comes highly recommended.

Next Monday's review is all about relaxing music, mysterious environments and colorful pickups. Check back then for a relatively unknown indie game that I rather enjoyed.

Shark Attack Deathmatch

Survive for ten minutes in shark-infested waters

Release: November 9, 2012 (Xbox 360)

By Ian Coppock

When I review an indie game, I usually begin the article with a barely relevant rant about how indie developers are our lords and saviors, and we should just start groveling before them as they take over the gaming world. Every once in a while, though, I stumble across an indie game that isn't so much a miracle of innovation as a piece of pure, dumb fun that truly is your money's worth (and with how expensive games are these days, how many of us can look each other in the eye and say that ALL of our games were worth $60 apiece)? I found both a hell of a bargain and a hell of an experience with Shark Attack Deathmatch. It's a suspenseful and well-designed game that only cost me $1.

The Story

As some of you may have inferred from the B-movie-esque title and general premise, Shark Attack Deathmatch has no narrative. You are a nameless scuba diver who, for whatever reason, has decided to jump face-first into a sharky patch of ocean, armed only with a slow harpoon gun and a knife. The goal of the game is to survive for 10 minutes without getting killed by one of the aforementioned great white sharks, and to rack up as many kills as possible before time runs out. 

This ocean is pretty and blue, it must therefore be safe, lied my brain.

"Wait a minute Ian!" I can telepathically hear some of you cry out. "This sounds an awful lot like Call of Duty, a game series you're well-known for disliking! Surely a premise in which you kill as many enemies as possible in 10 minutes isn't terribly unlike deathmatch mode in CoD multiplayer!"

No, in theory I suppose it isn't, but Call of Duty lacks the element of terror and suspense that comes with being alone in a murky ocean against lots of bloodthirsty killer sharks. Plus, sharks don't camp, or troll over Xbox LIVE, so your argument is invalid.

I think I'd rather have an ocean of sharks than an Internet of CoD fanboys.

Anyway, I picked this game to review because it really is just plain, honest fun. It's certainly one of the most suspenseful games I've played in a long time. You start out near the surface of the ocean and can swim over a very large area. The region encompasses a plane wreck, coral reefs, rock tunnels, a minefield, a shipwreck and lots of open areas. The downside is that there's only two maps, but still, for a dollar, that's not too shabby.

Round 1: The Minefield

My first attempt at the game saw me meandering carelessly through the azure, marveling at how good the graphics were for a $1 game. I decided to explore a shipwreck a la James Cameron and emerged into a field of mines, the giant spheres solemn monoliths to the terrors of warOH MY GOD SHARK SHARK EATING MY HEAD GAH TURN AROUND TURN AROUND TURN AROUND BLAGAAAGGGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!

Tum tee tum, check my phone, look up and *#*$#)Q)#*$&%^&!)!_!)*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you play this game, do yourself a favor: don't assume that just because a shark isn't in your field of vision, it must not be there. Only dummies like me make that mistake.

Round 2: The Coral Reef

After reattaching my limbs and siphoning approximately all of my blood back into my body, I respawned in the exact spot where I'd been mauled and swam like hell to the cover of a nearby coral reef. I crept through the foreboding rock tunnels, toting my trusty harpoon gun and glancing fearfully behind me. I came upon a sort of coral junction with an opening in the top, just in time for a shark to lazily swim overhead. I harpooned the beast; it swerved and came at me just in time for me to shoot it in the frickin' face! WOO! One shark down in 30 seconds or less! Let's see how well the remaining nine minutes and 30 seconds goes.

Apparently sharks make their homes in caves. Shark tips, tricks and more at iangetsmauledbysharks.com

Not great. I went back into my coral tunnel and found a shark waiting for me. Probably a relative of the one I just slew, which I'm sure only added to the ferocity with which it tore into my character. Round 2 over, with only one shark kill to show for it.

Round 3: ZOMBIE SHARK MODE

Aside from staying in that underwater hotel in Dubai, one of my goals in life is to go head-to-head with a zombie shark. I got to fulfill that dream with the game's zombie shark mode, in which you have to fight the undead monstrosities in a map resembling Atlantis. What practical difference is there between a shark and a zombie shark? Nothing, they both want your blood. I found this out when my character crested the top of a sunken ship, and I swear this was true, I was mauled to death by no less than five zombie sharks all chilling out on top deck. 

Oh you sons of...

Well, that was a violent story. Why tell us?

Well, awesome as it is, Shark Attack Deathmatch has no narrative. But I liked the game because it satisfied that itch for suspense and thrills that only a few games manage to give out these days. Most horror games are watered down by your character having heavy ordnance, or that the monsters are hallucinations that may startle you but don't actually threaten your character's life. 

With Shark Attack Deathmatch, you only have a small harpoon gun with which to battle legions of hungry sharks. That challenge of using limited resources to overcome huge odds is what can make or break a suspenseful game, and it's a challenge that I can't not rise to. Jumpy music starts playing every time a shark notices you, which is handy as a warning system but also raises the terror even more.

This knife sucks. Where's my Wuuthrad battleaxe from Skyrim?!?

Shark Attack Deathmatch also contained that element of resource management that can enhance a suspenseful experience. Your harpoon gun has unlimited ammo, but you must manage your health and oxygen supplies with pickups found in the ocean. These pickups are usually in exposed areas, creating a conflict between your need for safety and your need to reattach your intestines. All of these conflicts for resources and safety are what make a scary game suspenseful, and Deathmatch delivered them in such an elegantly simple way that I couldn't help but highlight that somehow.

The Artwork

Shark Attack Deathmatch has good artwork for how much the game cost. The graphics aren't Crysis-level but they're still the most impressive I've seen for an indie game. These include vivid water effects, murky environments and immersive sound effects. The sharks move realistically and react violently to your predation attempts, but the realism of their movements reinforced the feeling that I was a shark hunter, though this swiftly depleted upon being consumed by my so-called prey item.

C'mere, sharky...

The ocean also features other wildlife, though you can't shoot it with the harpoon gun. Manta rays lazily glide through the sea, and schools of fish scare the hell out of you in the coral tunnels. A big eel will occasionally swoop in around the sea mines, but the only critters you need to worry about are the great whites.

Nice work, indie peeps, this is quite lovely :D

Should I get it?

I don't think you need to be an adrenaline junkie to play Shark Attack Deathmatch, though non-adrenaline junkies might disagree. For a dollar, it's hardly the end of the world if you try it and decide it's not for you. Aside from Skyrim, Shark Attack Deathmatch might be the most bang-for-your-buck game I've ever played. You certainly get a lot of content for your money, so long as you don't mind your contents occasionally getting spilled by a hungry shark.

Thursday's review is taking us out of the ocean and into a metropolis rife with crime and awesomeness, so I'll see you then!

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Save the land of Skyrim from being annihilated by dragons

Release: November 11, 2011 (PC, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360)

By Ian Coppock

Like a lot of gamers who have too much time and imagination on their hands, I love role-playing games. I love the massive worlds they more often than not encompass, and I also love the chance to take a silent character and create my own narrative. Such is the reason I love the Elder Scrolls series, and such is the reason I love Skyrim, its latest installment. Skyrim is a game made by Bethesda Softworks, who are well-known for creating massive worlds with dozens if not hundreds of quests. My friends and I denote Bethesda games as having their own scale and category, and I denote Skyrim as the best of these games I've played thus far.

The Story

Skyrim takes place in an epic fantasy world similar in many ways to J.R.R. Tolkien's Middle-Earth. The game focuses on the land of Skyrim, a Scandinavia-like realm of snowy mountains, lush tundras and mead halls. As with the previous Elder Scrolls games, you begin as a prisoner who has been incarcerated for an unspecified crime. In this case, your character has been arrested by the Tamrielic Empire, the governing body of Skyrim.

You create your character during his or her imprisonment. Players can pick from one of ten races, each of which have their own strengths and weaknesses, and can modify almost one hundred facial features.

Just as your character is about to be beheaded by an imperial headsman, a massive dragon comes out of nowhere and begins destroying the town you've been taken to. No dragon has been seen in Skyrim for centuries, creating true panic and giving you a window to escape. You can choose to escape the town with either the rebels you were arrested with or the soldiers who just tried to kill you, a choice I found to be blatantly obvious. 

Anyway, after escaping, your character is free to do as he or she sees fit in Skyrim. You can go your own way and do one of dozens of miscellaneous quests, or embark upon the main storyline. I opted for a combination of the two, but we'll stick to the main story for now.

Hey, dude? I'm not just saying this to distract you from decapitating me: you might want to look behind you...

A few missions after escaping, your character finds himself or herself helping the city of Whiterun against another dragon attack. Your character succeeds in slaying the beast and is to be Dragonborn, a person with the body of a mortal but the soul of an immortal dragon. Dragonborns are nothing if not prophecy fodder, and I was soon wound up in an epic quest to destroy the dragons and bring peace to Skyrim.

As a Dragonborn, your character can absorb the souls of dead dragons and use them to learn deadly magical powers called Shouts. Shouts allow you to do everything from slow down time to set towns on fire, though you have to learn the proper shouting words first.

Another crucial component to the main story is the civil war that has engulfed Skyrim. 200 years after the previous Elder Scrolls game, Oblivion, the empire has fallen on hard times. Whereas it once governed all nine provinces of Tamriel, it now only governs three, the other six having gone their own way or fallen under the control of hostile powers. You can choose to help the native rebels make Skyrim independent, or help the empire keep control, a choice that neither side can claim the moral or geopolitical high ground in, making for a more interesting story.

Just in case gigantic, fire-breathing dragons weren't enough of a problem...

As with all Bethesda games, Skyrim's main story is the largest in a pile of many, many jewels. The game features side quests that you can play for money, artifacts and powerful alliances. You can also join various factions, like the Thieves Guild or the Companions warriors' group, and play questlines that more often than not see you become the leader of those organizations. You can also do more mundane quests, like chopping firewood for money or killing the local bandit.

The amount of quests in this game is almost ludicrous.

If you're like me and you can't resist a good narrative, Skyrim gives you the chance to make your own. I constantly extrapolated my character's personality and motives through the missions I played. Since my character can't talk, I chose to express him through actions, outfits, allegiances and moral decisions. It made for a long and action-packed story, but not just because of my OCD. Skyrim's quests and main storyline are well-paced, though the latter felt a bit skeletal to me. I understand that the goal of Elder Scrolls games is to mess around in a big world, but the main story felt looser than Oblivion's tightly woven narrative.

Oh yes, and take my advice: download the Hearthfire DLC. This $5 pack lets you build your own house, allowing you to gather resources and have a place to stay without the cost of using inns. I also recommend your character get married, for no other reason than your digital spouse will give you free stuff, free food and lots of money (a commentary I'm sure is not lost upon my married readers).

Hearthfire lets you build your own house and is very user-friendly in its interface.

Hearthfire gives you surprising free reign in creating the house of your dreams. You can also adopt orphans and hire everything from bodyguards to bards, which I felt added to the richness of my character's narrative. The Dawnguard DLC, in which your character must stop a cult of vampires from destroying the sun, is also quite good, though rather pricey at $20. I haven't tried the Dragonborn DLC for similar cost reasons, though I hear it's also enjoyable.

The Dawnguard DLC adds much to the world of Skyrim.

Overall, Skyrim is a gem with a few flaws, but a gem nonetheless. I found it a worthy sequel to Oblivion and a strong game in its own right. There's not as much character development to be had with a silent protagonist, but perhaps that responsibility is supposed to fall upon the gamer. Your actions, decisions and quests all determine how others see your character just as much as how you see him or her.

The Artwork

Skyrim's artwork will pull you in almost immediately. I've played plenty of games that had large and beautifully detailed environments, but Bethesda has created the most alive landscape I've ever seen with Skyrim. Tall, snowy mountains encapsulate lush vales full of deer, saber-toothed tigers, and many varieties of bees and butterflies. 

Skyrim gets creative with its wildlife.

Salmon jump up river rapids and glowing mushrooms adorn cavern walls. In the tundra region I was delighted to find herds of woolly mammoths, as well as fireflies, mountain flowers, geysers and flocks of brightly colored birds. Wind whispers through the pine needles of alpine forests, while deer, moose and elk stalk the glens for food. 

Skyrim is alive in a way most video games aren't.

In Skyrim's cities, people talk, laugh and carry their goods from place to place. Market stall owners call out to you while vending their wares, and priests give sermons from their A-frame temples. Mead halls featuring giant feasting tables can be found throughout Skyrim. Your character can collect mead, ale, salmon steaks, apple pie, cooked beef, cinnamon rolls, wine... (slobber).

NOM. Both for the food and for the amount of detail.

Anyway, my point is that Skyrim's environment is nothing if not living. It's one thing for an environment to be detailed, and quite another for those details to be alive and interacting with one another. I found such a world more in Skyrim than any other game I've played. You'll want to play it as much to explore this world as to do the actual quests and main storyline.

Should I get it?

Even if you're not that into RPG's, I urge you to consider Skyrim. The gameplay is fun and intuitive, and the world is massive. You're also getting a lot for your money. I found my copy of Skyrim for about $20 and it took me 80 hours to do the main story, faction quests and a lot of the side quests, though I've got a lot more to explore. There is a recurring glitch in Skyrim in which you may find people hovering a few feet in the air, but this makes more for laughter than gameplay issues. I guess there are poltergeists in this land. Bethesda is also releasing a legendary edition of Skyrim next month that encompasses the main game and its three DLC packs all for $60, which, considering that the DLCs altogether cost $45, is another deal you might consider. In any case, get Skyrim. It can become a time sink if you're not careful, but it's a very slow-burn fantasy game that I love.

My reaction to the Xbox One? Meh.

By Ian Coppock

The unveiling is over now, and I find myself feeling frustrated and slightly hungry. The hype for this event was at least ten times more compelling than the actual thing. Maybe that's just my fault, but in either case, here's why the Xbox One looked mediocre to me.

Where are the games?

For a full hour or so, these Microsoft guys stood up there talking about innovation and change. What they cast as the console's flagship feature was the ability to instantly switch between games, TV and social media. I laughed out loud when I saw that. Unless you're waiting for your Call of Duty match to start up, no one plays games and watches TV at the same time. Seriously, who does that? Gamers don't need all of this sexy switching between apps and social media and Internet. Call me crazy, but gamers play games to game, not multitask.

They made it sound really exhausting! "Play a game but also watch TV and check your fantasy league ratings and say hi to your buddy in Scotland and check Twitter and read other people's achievement stories and AAAAAAH!"

Steps Backward

The event began with a chronology of Xbox, and the unveiling itself. Microsoft has taken a step backward with the controller, making it even bulgier and more unwieldy than the original Xbox 360 colossus from 2006 or so. They then called up a dude who demonstrated that you can voice-command your way into the Xbox menu, and use vocal controls to switch between all of the aforementioned gimmicks. Then came an engineer to discuss computer architecture, and a slick corporate guy from EA to talk about the next lineup of sports games.

A Push for Motion Control

The next Xbox is really going to be pushing Kinect, a sub-mediocre motion control system that they've apparently improved, but I have no interest in. Again, gamers want their experiences to be simple. Motion controls work well when they've been cleverly implemented, as with The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. However, that's the only example I can devise. Until motion controls implement some form of physical feedback, I'm not touching them with a ten-foot pole.

No...

After that, the event kind of collapsed into a bunch of trailers. There was something for a live-action Halo TV show and the next CoD clone, but the entire time I was waiting for confirmation on whether the Xbox One will require a constant Internet connection in order to run. Given its multiple media integration,  reliance on the cloud, achievement updating and social media, I'd say it's all but confirmed.

This conference was riddled with red flags. Constant social media updates. An alliance with notoriously consumer-unfriendly Electronic Arts. Pushing for gimmicky motion controls and media features that gamers don't need.

My advice? Get a PS4. Unless Microsoft is holding something amazing back for E3, like the Holy Grail, this event came off to me as Microsoft pushing a TV "synchronizer" rather than a gaming console. I don't care how many servers you have worldwide, Microsoft, there will be blood if you require an Internet connection for this thing to function. I'm angry because I'm completely astonished at the direction you think gamers are going in. With this device, you're appealing to a market of schizophrenic social media and entertainment addicts, not those of us simply looking for a good story without needless interference from the cloud and Internet.

Sorry Microsoft. I'm defecting to Sony.

Xbox One Unveiled

By Ian Coppock

My first thought was "holy crap, that thing is gigantic."

Built upon a philosophy of simplicity and instant entertainment, the Xbox One was unveiled on May 21st at Microsoft's campus. Microsoft officials stated that the Xbox One will harmonize all entertainment, including video games, television and Internet.

The Xbox One uses powerful voice recognition technology to instantly log users into their accounts, and responds to commands for watching television and using the Internet, rather smoothly at that. The device can switch seamlessly between these media upon vocal command. Xbox One will feature Trending, which gives players a glance at what is popular. Apps, TV and movies will return to the console as well. The device will also feature Skype.

The Xbox One will also interact with the cloud and smart devices. It's powered by 8 gigs of RAM. and finally gave in to PlayStation by having a Blu-ray drive. So far they haven't mentioned anything game-related, so hopefully they'll get around to that.

I'll post more updates as the unveiling proceeds. No word on requiring an Internet connection in order to work, or on the watermarked discs rumor.

Super Amazing Wagon Adventure

Guide three heroes on a quest for glory and new beginnings

Release: Summer 2012 (PC)

By Ian Coppock

As I'm always quick to harp on, ridiculousness in video games is good when done well. I've also said more than once that a lot of innovation has come out of indie gaming in the past few years. Devoid of cash, a few wily designers conspire in their mothers' basements to produce something that can compete with the likes of big-budget studio games at a fraction of the cost. These games contain amusing or clever innovations to compensate for the lack of personnel and resources. Super Amazing Wagon Adventure accomplishes both of these things. It's fully self-aware of how outrageous it is, and is one of the most amusing games I've played in a while.

Yup. That wagon is in space.

Today's review is going to be a bit different. The game follows three characters whom you create and send off on the aforementioned retro-styled wagon adventure, so no two narratives are the same. With that in mind, I created my own team of all-star pioneers and set out to find fortune and glory on what only an LSD addict could call the trail out west. So without further ado, let's get into the epic saga that is Super Amazing Wagon Adventure.

Day One: The Unicorn Ambush

As the sun simmered atop the horizon, the pioneer team of Bogsworth, Theodore and Millicent gathered about their trusty Conestoga wagon. Being the oldest and grumpiest of the three, Bogsworth assumed command over the wiry-framed and dark-haired Theodore, and the lovely brunette Millicent. They climbed aboard and set out, only to be beset by a swarm of deer. Needing supplies, Bogsworth broke out his chain gun and set bloody fire to the herds, but not soon enough to stop Theodore from getting a face-full of skunk gas.

'Twas a dangerous and bloody hunt.

After slaughtering more wildlife than a redneck on cocaine, Bogsworth led the wagon into a glen, wherein a unicorn grazed. Opting to follow the pretty beast rather than shoot it, Bogsworth found himself the victim of a fast one. It was a unicorn ambush.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Bogsworth was immediately impaled upon a passing unicorn, his rapidly spilled guts leaving a glistening trail upon the wagon seat. Millicent took up the bloodsoaked reigns, only to be similarly disemboweled by the horn of another beast. Only Theodore remained to crest the charge, and so valiantly shot and dodged his way through the ambush.

Then a dragon attacked.

Oh my God what the hell is this?!?

Theodore stood no chance. His frame, fair and well-toned in life, was forever emblazoned into the canvas of his wagon like a sticky scab set aflame. The charred wagon husk that was once the hopes and dreams of a wayward trio trundled to a halt and burst into nuclear fire.

Day 2: The Asteroids

After restarting, I mean... um... reincarnating, the trio set out on a second attempt at riches and livelihood. They loaded their wagon high with the hides and meat of a passing deer swarm. Spotting such a bounty passing their way, a coven of outlaws descended upon the trio. Bogsworth shot and shot well, but could not stop his limbs from being severed by the cruel evisceration of outlaw gunfire. Millicent next took up the rifle while Theodore drove.

I guess this is better than being swarmed by an armada of unicorns.

Though pressed for bullets and speed, the duo was victorious, leaving behind them the crumpled and bloody bodies of the outlaws.

Only to be set upon by a dude with a goddamn Gatling gun.

GODDAMMIT!!!!!

Theodore drove valiantly and with skills worthy of Churchill Downs, but perished when a stray bullet caused him to fall from the wagon and immediately get trampled by the wagon wheels he'd varnished that very morning. Millicent, armed with gun and reigns, emerged triumphant over the would-be aggressors. Though, sadly, she was all that remained of the trio.

After picking some berries and replenishing her supplies, Millicent arrived to a roaring river. She realized that she could either ford the river or jump across. With both options equally feasible, she decided to jump it. A sudden gust of wind carried her into low orbit, and she found herself Earth's sole defendant against a massive belt of asteroids.

Oh my frickin' Lord...

Millicent was outmatched. Though she somehow survived the vacuum of space, the wagon was crushed quite spectacularly between two burly asteroids. Were it not for the cold of space, her entrails would have exploded from between the rocks like rogue toothpaste, rather than freeze instantaneously. So concluded the team's second attempt at glory.

What is this I don't even...

Day Three: The Woman in Red

After miraculously returning to life a second time, the trio decided to make one final attempt at reaching the old west. Similarly to before, they managed to gather food and get Theodore gas-blasted in the face by a skunk. They once again came upon the unicorn in the glen, but Bogsworth, now the wiser, Gatling-gunned that little bastard into the atoms of the soil.

I'm not falling for your monkey business a second time, unicorn.

With their rations boosted by magical unicorn meat, the team was in high spirits. Millicent left the wagon to scrounge for food and came upon some tasty mushrooms. After eating them, she decided to return to the wagon, but began feeling strange. With little choice, she slipped into an awesome high and battled her inner demons within a ripoff of Purgatory. How bloody the fight was, though she regained her senses and strolled back to her comrades.

The group decided to jump the nearby river. They launched their wagon and oxen into the sky, and landed successfully upon the other side! Hoorah! They set off into the desert with songs in their hearts and came upon a herd of bison! Another successful day for the team.

MOAR FOODS!!!!

Or so it was, until the bison stampeded.

HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Millicent was the first to perish, her neck snapped when a bison lept adopt the wagon and gored her esophagus. Theodore once again fell off the wagon and was once again pounded into a bloody pulp by the wagon's frenzied wheels. Only Bogsworth, faithful Bogsworth, remained.

And he survived.

Is this real? Did I actually get past all those bison?

Tired, hungry and wounded, Bogsworth pressed on. He saw a beautiful woman in a red dress beholding the desert sunset, and dismounted his wagon to inquire after her presence, and whether she needed assistance. As he approached the delicate, gorgeous creature before him, she turned around and shot him in the liver, killing him instantly. 

It was not, as some may think, the gunshot that did him in. The sheer amount of alcohol Bogsworth consumed on a daily basis instantaneously ovveran his system without the liver to regulate it. He died. The woman summoned a nearby posse of bandits, and the gang feasted upon his remains, stripped the wagon for parts and rode merrily into the night.

So ends the tale of Bogsworth, Theodore and Millicent.

Should I get this game?

You've read the story, only you can answer that question. Will you turn away a chance at glory, or lead your own epic trio on an awesome and amazing journey to inner acceptance and riches?

I may have taken some creative liberties with the death descriptors, but all of those events actually happened.

Download Super Amazing Wagon Adventure

Yeah... see you next week :D

Mass Effect 3

Save the galaxy from being annihilated by a merciless race of machines

Release: March 6, 2012 (PC, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360)

By Ian Coppock

Epicness is a matter of spectacle vs. substance. In order for something epic to truly be epic, it has to speak to us on a fundamental level, and use that link to communicate how high the stakes are. This is the key difference between something being epic and merely looking epic. This is why movies like the Fast & Furious series and the Star Wars prequels come off as awkwardly flashy rather than something truly moving. Thankfully, there are certain games that can overcome this speed bump and comprise spectacle as well as substance. Mass Effect 3 is one of these chosen few. For this and other reasons, it is also my favorite installment of the Mass Effect trilogy.

The Story

I must once again fawn over the savegame transfer feature that was present in Mass Effect 2. As with the preceding installment, players can transport their Commander Shepards straight into Mass Effect 3. With two games' worth of experience and choices under his or her belt, your Shepard will once again be faced with characters, dilemmas and consequences that branched off from the first two games. In addition, characters that appeared in the first game but not the second may return in Mass Effect 3.

As with Mass Effect 2, you can teleport your custom Shepard character right into a new game.

The story picks up six months after the events of Mass Effect 2, in which Commander Shepard joined the sketchy human survivalist organization known as Cerberus and went toe-to-toe with an army of laser gun-wielding bugs. He or she is arrested for [SPOILER REDACTED] and sent to Earth to stand trial before the Human Systems Alliance, the human government he or she served in the first game.

As Shepard is escorted to the tribunal, Alliance commanders face sudden communication blackouts from across the globe, and the Reapers, a terrifying race of giant machines, arrives. Having masterminded everything from Saren's downfall in Mass Effect to the scheme to kidnap humans in Mass Effect 2, the nemesis Shepard has been fighting so hard to repel has come.

Court adjourned.

Each Reaper is a 2-kilometer-long colossus. As Shepard learned in the first game, these monstrosities want to harvest all life in the galaxy for their own, enigmatic reasons. Starting with Earth.

After leaving their mentor David Anderson behind to resist the invaders, Shepard must escape Earth to rally the other civilizations of the galaxy for a desperate fight for survival. The alternative is being harvested by giant robotic space squids.

As if a galaxy-wide invasion of sinister, near-invincible machine monsters wasn't enough of a suck salad, Shepard is also betrayed by Cerberus, the organization he worked for in Mass Effect 2. Our old pal the Illusive Man returns with a very different idea about the Reapers. He's come to believe that the Reapers should be controlled, rather than destroyed, and used to put humanity on the very top of the galactic food chain. He sees Shepard's mission to destroy the Reapers as a threat to human survival, and orders his zealous forces to stop Shepard at any cost.

Though initially supportive of Shepard in Mass Effect 2, the Illusive Man returns as one of Mass Effect 3's primary antagonists.

 After fleeing Earth, Shepard arrives on Mars, where the team discovers Cerberus soldiers executing Alliance personnel. Shepard finds Liara T'Soni, the Asari scientist from Mass Effect, who's found blueprints for an ancient superweapon that she thinks can destroy the Reapers. After Cerberus steals a crucial piece of the data, Shepard must embark upon a two-pronged quest to build the device and gather the galaxy around his war banner.

Liara returns as a squadmate in Mass Effect 3.

Mass Effect 3 is nothing if not Commander Shepard rewriting history with the barrel of his or her gun. As Shepard travels around the galaxy to convince alien species to help retake Earth, the character must right ancient wrongs between the various civilizations and play diplomat in order to get them aboard. 

Without some serious diplomatic shrewdness, players may find themselves forced to choose between one civilization's aid or another. I found that solving the beefs between these aliens was as much of a challenge as killing Reaper forces on the field.

Some of the aliens Shepard encounters share centuries-old rivalries that he or she must resolve if the galaxy is to survive.

In Mass Effect 3, players are given a metric that measures how ready they are to retake Earth at the end of the game. Points are added to that score via War Assets, which represent various fleets, soldiers and supplies that Shepard has accrued to that end. The Crucible, the aforementioned superweapon, is also accounted for here.

Shepard's gathered fleets and resources are presented as War Assets. You collect them by exploring star systems and completing story missions. The more assets you have, the better a chance you'll stand against the Reapers in the final confrontation.

I think my favorite part of Mass Effect 3 is the characters. Bioware's character creation and development really shines in this installment of the series, more than any other. A lot of established characters return to the game, including Jeff "Joker" Moreau, your sarcastic pilot, the artificially intelligent EDI, Garrus Vakarian, and other series regulars.

The crew of the revamped Normandy, now flying Alliance colors, is also joined by several completely new characters, including new squadmate James Vega, shuttle pilot Steve Cortez, and germophobic but totally awesome communication specialist Samantha Traynor. For $10, I downloaded a bonus character named Javik, a gruff Prothean soldier awakened after 50,000 years of stasis-sleep.

James Vega was one of my favorite new characters. I thought he was particularly well-written

 Remember up top when I mentioned that epicness comes from a sense of connection? Mass Effect 3 provides that. The game's most moving and tragic moments connected me to this fictional war. Shepard watches in agony as an 8-year-old boy is shot out of the sky by a massive Reaper, and must also contend with Cerberus' abductions and experiments. The connection was also forged through displaying the horrors of war upon civilians. Shepard explores refugee camps rife with traumatized, crying refugees and entire planets set ablaze by the Reapers' relentless campaign. Mothers search for sons who haven't reported in from their theaters, and nurses suffer emotional breakdowns from the gruesome injuries their charges sustain. 

Bioware is to be commended for displaying war's effects on the nameless masses that Shepard encounters. It made the Reaper war feel much closer a threat, which made the game much more compelling. Shepard's squadmates face similar inner turmoil over the war, and it's up to the player to keep their morale high enough so that the galaxy might see a day free of the Reaper threat.

The encounters with Cerberus reminded me that some of the worst atrocities imaginable are committed with the best intentions.

I have one large complaint about Mass Effect 3; I wasn't sure whether the main enemy was the Reapers or Cerberus. Sure, the Reapers' destruction abounds, but the sheer number of Cerberus encounters made me feel like the game was yelling "oh look, that organization you worked for betrayed you! The Illusive Man is a tragic villain, how sad!"

Yeah, the betrayal of Cerberus sucks, but I've encountered these dudes six missions in a row and have had only two encounters against Reaper forces. Shouldn't there be more Reapers, and less Cerberus?

Controversy over Mass Effect 3's ending being unsatisfying or flat-out bad

As I'm sure the regular gamers in my audience are aware, Bioware faced a bit of a crapstorm when a lot of players complained that Mass Effect 3's ending was underwhelming, or flat-out bad. One dude even brought it up as a failure of quality assurance to the Federal Trade Commission. 

I went into the game well aware of the giant stink over the ending. Yeah, the ending isn't super perfect, but neither is any other ending. I don't blame Bioware for the controversy over Mass Effect 3's ending. Not at all. I think we need to remember that the games we play are not the ones we designed ourselves. We shouldn't throw hissy fits if a story doesn't end the way we like, because we didn't write it. It's a different story if the game's ending had suffered technical difficulties, and you're perfectly welcome to disagree with a design decision, but don't declare Bioware the end of the universe and devote who knows how much time complaining about a relatively minor flaw. 

Sure, we can civilly disagree with certain design choices, but game designers should be free to bring their visions to life the way they'd like to, not according to the whims of an overemotional fan. If it doesn't meet our expectations, oh f***ing well. Get a life, anti-Bioware troll. The ending certainly could have been a lot worse. Stop holding game designers accountable for your discrepancies in taste. They can't read minds. If you don't like it, fine, but the overwhelming amount of griping was something I found disgraceful.

So, the ending? Whatever. It's like the last two minutes of the game anyway. The rest might as well sneeze friendship and flower petals for how well it was designed. And in all honesty, the ending is not super-bad. I certainly thought it was good enough for me.

The Artwork

Mass Effect 3's artwork features a graphical upgrade and a few scenery changes. Whereas the first game focused on clean-cut, stately visuals and the second a darker, more underground feel, Mass Effect 3 portrays more destruction, craters, and shuttle crashes than I cared to count. The game also includes a handful of pristine environments that I really liked, like Sur'kesh, the Salarian homeworld.

Sur'kesh is so pretty and peaceful. Ignore that fire.

There isn't a whole lot to say about Mass Effect 3's artwork that I didn't say in my review of Mass Effect 2. The gameplay is smart and intuitive, the levels are well-designed and the environments have a sense of scale that I found very enticing. For the most part, what was pioneered or refined in 2 is further revamped in 3. 

The game's war zones are massive. The sheer amount of destruction reinforces Shepard's urgency to end the Reaper threat.

The game features a new soundtrack by artists previously unaffiliated with the series, who captured the nerdy awesomeness of the series with a lively blend of conventional orchestra and the layers of synths Mass Effect fans are known for loving. Some of the tracks from the first game appear in the third, reinforcing the sense of nostalgia.

Should I get it?

Mass Effect 3 is a great game. It's more about substance than spectacle, and is therefore a true epic. It's difficult to pull off a good conclusion to a long-running series, and I think Bioware did a good enough job with this game.

Thanks for bearing with me on this over-feature-length review. Anyone who's good with a digital gun and looking for a masterfully-crafted narrative with continually developing characters and convincing performances from the voice cast should pick this up. Of course, if you haven't yet concluded the story of your own Commander Shepard, this game will give you just that opportunity. For reviews of the first two Mass Effect games, check the Archives panel on the right.

And now, mini-reviews of the three $10 downloadable content packs for Mass Effect 3's single-player campaign. I'm not giving From Ashes the dignity of a review because I think it was an obvious last-minute cash-grab by EA.

Mass Effect 3: Leviathan

This DLC explores the ancient and unknown origins of the Reapers. Following a shocking psychotic episode, Shepard learns of a creature that is capable of killing reapers, and must follow a bloody trail to find it. This pack was my personal favorite for how detailed it got about the Reapers, and had a bit of a survival horror element. It adds a lot to the main game, making for a definite recommendation.

Mass Effect 3: Omega

Cerberus has captured Omega, haven of galactic pirate queen Aria T'loak, and she intends to take it back with Shepard's help. Having met Aria in Mass Effect 2, Shepard is a likely choice for an anti-Cerberus operation. This DLC returns to the grit and gore of Omega, and favors a gameplay mix that's light on story and heavy on grind. We also finally meet a female Turian. This pack is interesting, but not that essential to the main story. I recommend getting it, though, if you want to see Omega again or are aching for some extra War Assets.

Mass Effect 3: Citadel
The game's farewell DLC sees Shepard become the victim of assassination attempts and scandals across the Citadel space station. Shepard teams up with squadmates new and old to find whoever's messing with him and bring them to justice. The game has some cringing attempts at humor and some flat-out ridiculous fights, but perhaps that was the point of a farewell DLC; to shake out some ridiculousness the staff held back during the main game. I personally enjoyed the pack despite its narrative pitfalls, because it provided a chance for me to see all of my crewmates, new and old, interact with one another. You might also enjoy that experience. At least, if you were nice to them.