Assassin's Creed

Save the Holy Land, and yourself, by assassinating its enemies

Release: November 13, 2007 (PlayStation 3, Xbox 360)

                April 8, 2008 (PC)

By Ian Coppock

I was scrolling through my reviews the other day and brought myself back to Assassin's Creed III, which I believe is the first review I ever did. I then realized that I haven't reviewed the four games leading up to that one, and thought it would be a good idea to bring you all up to speed.

Long before the adventures of Connor, the Mohawk assassin, the series began in another time and with another protagonist. Assassin's Creed takes us to the Middle East, and not because we're playing Call of Duty and have been dropped in to shoot the brown people. Rather, the game is a historical fiction narrative. My friend Bret introduced me to this series a few years ago. It's not perfect, but it's more than worthy of a review and our time.

The Story

Assassin's Creed operates on a pair of interlocked storylines. The first takes place in 2012 and follows Desmond Miles, a bartender. Desmond has been kidnapped by the shadowy Abstergo corporation for reasons he can only guess at, until Warren Vidic, a cruel scientist and his captor, reveals that human DNA contains the memories of our ancestors.

Desmond is locked into a machine, the Animus, that can scan those memories and render them as a virtual simulation. He doesn't know what Vidic or the scientist's colleague Lucy are looking for, but it's locked in his head somewhere.

Abstergo makes Disney look innocent. Desmond is a captive guest of the company and treated harshly by Warren, but he finds friendship of a sort in the other Abstergo scientist, Lucy Stillman, who is empathetic to his imprisonment.

In the Animus, Desmond follows the story of his ancestor, Altair Ibn-La Ahad, a Syrian assassin who was active during the Crusades in the late 1100's. The story begins as Altair and two fellow assassins enter the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem. Aloof and overconfident, Altair breaks the assassins' tenets left and right in order to be more "efficient", killing an innocent man and exposing his position to enemies.

His arrogance costs the group dearly when they encounter Christian knights exploring the Dome. He barely escapes with his life, and not the treasure he'd been sent to get. He returns to his clan's fortress empty-handed, infuriating the assassins' master, Al Mualim. To make matters worse, the knights follow Altair to the fortress and lay siege, killing many innocents.

Altair's hubris endangers all of the assassins. He's good at what he does, but his arrogance earns him contempt from the assassins and their master, Al Mualim (pictured right).

Though the knights are fought off and Altair's friends return with the treasure, he is berated in front of his brothers and demoted from master to novice. Al Mualim offers him a path to redemption: kill nine men who threaten the peace of the Holy Land. He begrudgingly takes the assignment and departs the fortress.

From there, Altair must kill nine targets dispersed across the cities of Damascus, Jerusalem, and Acre (pronounced Ah-kah). The game does a good job of portraying Altair's changing character, as he becomes less aloof and more willing to follow the tenets of the Assassin's Creed. As he travels between cities and makes his kills, Altair begins to suspect that the nine men are working in concert, despite being on opposite sides of the war.

Altair's journey takes him across the ancient Middle East. As he goes, he begins to think there's more to his kills than just working back up to the top.

Oh boy, here come the inklings of conspiracy.

Altair begins to change his perception among his peers and to himself with his journey. He explores the themes of murder and humanity. Though the assassin order's work is dark, they encourage themselves to stick to the guilt that comes with taking a life, as it makes them human. He is also guided in his quest by the gentle mentoring of Al Mualim, who still sees potential in his fallen pupil.

In the modern-day, Desmond is given breaks between memory sessions and attempts to escape from Abstergo. Though he initially believes Altair's conspiracy to be only in the past, connections start to get drawn between his ancestor's targets and the company now holding him hostage. Desmond begins sneaking into places he shouldn't go, and discovers the company's sinister scheme for world domination. All of it, it seems, is linked to whatever Altair discovered at the end of that journey centuries ago.

Desmond has no choice but to play ball with his captors. You spend much of the game looking for a way out. 

Assassin's Creed is an open-world game, in which Altair can roam freely in massive, gorgeously detailed ancient cities. He can ride horses through the desert to reach his destination, and can explore dozens of city blocks, open-air markets, mosques, churches and synagogues.

The game does a good job of portraying the Christian-Muslim warhole that was the Crusades from a neutral standpoint, even going so far as to state that the game was developed by a multicultural team. Altair encounters citizens and soldiers from both groups, each hawking their idea of a peaceful Middle East.

Altair explores Damascus looking for clues as to his target's whereabouts. The game lets you roam the cities freely. Each one is sizeable.

The game is played from a third-person viewpoint. Altair's gameplay mechanics are built around stealth and hiding in plain sight. Though he has a sword for getting out of hairy situations, Altair can assassinate enemies with a retractable hidden blade on his right hand. You must manually push past people, hide, and look inconspicuous in order to succeed.

Altair also has options if the guards have the jump on him. Players can elude local law enforcement by breaking the enemy's line of sight, but must then sit on benches or hide in groups of people until the danger passes. Altair can also take shelter at the local assassins HQ, but only if he's not being hounded by a pack of snarly guards.

Altair is an expert swordsman, but you can only fight so many swarms of guards. The game rewards discretion.

The game's health mechanic is really interesting; it's portrayed as synchronization with the actual events of the memory. For example, if you, the player, kill an innocent civilian, you lose health because Altair didn't actually do that. Similarly, you lose synch if you get beat up in a swordfight because the real Altair is obviously way more badass then you are. You regain synch by completing a memory or by hiding from danger.

The actual assassinations require planning and skill. Altair must gather clues on each target through investigations across the cities. These include pickpocketing intel from unsuspecting guards, eavesdropping on conversations, or just beating info out of an enemy. You only need so much info in order to start the assassination, but the more you have, the better prepared you'll be.

Being a good assassin is all about detective work.

Now that we've got all the cool stuff out of the way, I have to do my job and tell you what's wrong with Assassin's Creed. The game is very repetitive. All nine assassination segments begin, operate and end in the exact same way. Go to city, gather info, kill target, go home for a pat on the head, do it all again the next day. Not once does the game deviate from this formula, and by kill five or six I was getting rather sick of it.

The game's controls are silky smooth, but they have a few problems. By holding down the run button, Altair can seamlessly parkour over obstacles, run along walls, and perform other acrobatic feats. The problem is that the jump and run buttons are the same; I lost count of how many times I ran near a parkour-able object and did a feat on it, not meaning to do so. This can make chase sequences extremely frustrating.

NO! I only wanted to go for a morning jog, not ballet-hop across the rafters!!

The combat is fun but most fights can end immediately if you counter-attack. When an enemy swings in with his sword, Altair can usually just shank the dude when he gets too close, ending the fight in mere seconds.

Perhaps the most annoying feature of this game is the beggars. Not in that I hate poor people, but in that they ask for money, and there is no money mechanic in the game. As my friend Bret and I have discussed numerous times, it's not that I don't want to give you money, lady, it's that I literally CAN'T give you money.

Altair doesn't carry cash, and you get dogged mercilessly by beggars throughout most of the game. Assassin's Creed has no economy, else I'd be paying beggars left and right.

These features weren't a deal-breaker for me, but I won't judge you if they are for you.

The Art

Assassin Creed's environments are wonderfully designed and beautiful. Each city is painstakingly detailed down to the orange vines on the merchant's villa. As in other AC games, commoners and soldiers go about their business. This doesn't just give Altair plenty of hiding spots; it makes the environments very convincing.

Altair's outfit is purposefully designed to make him resemble a reclusive monk, but that won't stop you from getting preached to by priests and imams, and it won't stop awesomely bearded carpet merchants from insisting that their prices are the best in the Holy Land. There's a big, beautiful desert environment linking the cities together called the Kingdom. It has no missions or objectives in it, which makes me wonder why it exists, but it's still beautiful and fun to explore.

The Kingdom connecting the three cities is amazingly pretty.

Assassin's Creed has decent character animations but  nothing special, especially by 2013 standards. The voice acting is convincing, but I hate that they hired an American to voice Altair, especially when all of his compatriots have, as one might expect, Syrian accents. A lot of fans love that feature but I find it kind of ridiculous. It certainly has a tendency to break immersion.

The music of the game is beautifully done as well, incorporating traditional western music with middle eastern drums and chants. Brazen horns sound when you arrive to each city, which made me feel like a goddamn sultan, and the combat music is especially notable for hastening me to run the hell faster.

The environments in this game are great. The music fits the game well. Insert more end-of-article euphamisms here.

Should I get it?

Like a baby learning to crawl, this first chapter in the Assassin's Creed series is not without some struggles and speed bumps, but it's a good start to a great series. I can't vouch for your feelings on the issues up top, but I can vouch for the game's decent narrative and immersive environments. This game sells for $10-15 on Amazon if you're interested.

Alright, have a good weekend everyone! Next week we're kicking things off with an indie game that hearkens to old-school rail shooters and brings the best of those games to the table. GET STOKED FOR IT :D

Two of my friends started a gaming site called P1/P2 and it's awesome.

Did you know that I have two friends who like to play video games together and discuss them on a website they just started? Well, I have two friends who like to play video games together and discuss them on a website they just started. Jacob and Melody Van De Graaf are two dear friends of mine and they've started a site dedicated to gaming and reviewing together (hence that adorable logo). Their website is awesome and the reviews they've done so far are very much worth a read (trust me, I'm a critic). You can check out P1/P2 right here.

Minecraft

Explore, gather and fight your way through a massive, cubey world

Release: November 18, 2011 (Linux, Mac and PC)
                May 9, 2012 (Xbox 360)

                October 7, 2011 (Android)

                November 17, 2011 (iOS)

                TBA (Xbox One)

By Ian Coppock

In case it hasn't yet become apparent, I love narratives. I love strong characters, I love interesting locations and I love a beginning, climax and ending. Every so often, though, I'm willing to completely throw all of that out the window if the alternative is enticing enough. Games with weak narratives are in no way enticing, but some games have such remarkable strength in other areas of game development as to cause me to forsake narrative entirely. Minecraft, perhaps the most popular indie game ever made, is one such title.

The Gameplay

Wait, what the hell did you just do, Ian? Where's the "Story" header? Well, truth be told, Minecraft has no story. It has no spoken dialogue, no written narrative, nothing. And yet, each Minecraft experience is one-of-a-kind. Players assume the role of a blocky, nameless man, and are immediately dropped into one of thousands of massive worlds in which every object, animal and even the sun are rendered as cubes. 

The 8-bit-ness of Minecraft's worlds adds a retro element to the whole thing, but they are quite beautiful.

From here, the player is free to do whatever the hell he or she desires. "Primary objective" becomes "primary subjective". The idea behind Minecraft is the freedom to build a dwelling or just be a nomad. Most materials can be gathered when the player strikes them, allowing the player to pick up blocks of dirt, oak wood, and other substances. Some stuff, like stone, can only be gathered using tools. 

Once you have your materials, you can stack them atop each other to make a structure. You can also use a workbench to build everything from swords to armor to pickaxes.Your character has a bar of hearts and hunger to manage, meaning that you must hunt animals or gather plants. Most worlds have various regions from which resources are more or less available, such as forests, mountains and deserts. A few newer maps feature jungles.

Even if you take a tree down bottom-up, the rest will float in mid-air. Minecraft  ignores gravity.

I imagine that my first experience with Minecraft is pretty typical of most everyone's. I was dumped into a friendly-looking forest, minus a lava pit off to my left, and immediately set out to build myself a home and life. My brother Grayson, a Minecraft master, gawked when I found a cluster of stone-and-wood houses, an apparently rare find. With no one home, I saw fit to building passageways between all the houses to make myself a super-fortress.

After hunting a few pigs to subside my hunger meter, and cooking the pork chops in my furnace, I decided to go to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night to find a giant spider attacking me! AAAAAAAH!!!

OH GOD KILL IT KILL IT!!!!!

"Ian, you two-faced bastard!" I can hear some of you cry out. "You enticed us with a nice-looking game and it's actually another one of your disgusting horror fests! Ew!"

That was the same line of thought I was about to assault my brother with, but don't worry. Creepies and nasties only come out at night, after the sunset. My brother even told me beforehand to be careful, so I guess that makes me a dumbass. In either case, as long as you close your doors and put down some torches, you're fine. The only enemy you have to watch out for all the time is the Creeper, a totally silent zombie thing that will explode if it gets close enough, taking out your internal organs and a chunk of the landscape. They're pretty rare in the daytime, though.

Creepers have become one of the most notorious foes in all of gamedom.

If your character has a bed, you can sleep 'till dawn. From there, I spent my time gathering resources and building my superhouse. Minecraft steals the hearts of the creative. You can build weapons and tools, but you can also bake cakes, make candles and paint paintings. You can construct furniture and plant crops. I soon had a sprawling compound complete with a private library, banqueting hall, greenhouse and kickass writer's tower.

If you're feeling like creating a true colossus, Minecraft features Creative Mode, in which your character is invincible, can fly, and has access to unlimited amounts of every resource in the game. It's fun to build gigantic citadels and palaces in this mode, but part of the satisfaction I get out of constructing things is putting time and effort into gathering the materials for them. You also can't get achievements in Creative Mode, which... sorry, I forgot why that's a bad thing.

Minecraft's creative mode has allowed for some of the most breathtaking creations in all of game art, including this castle town.

So yeah, Minecraft kicks ass. It provides an acutely personal experience, being alone in this gigantic world of resources, free to do what you wish and fend off monsters. You can adventure across the land or even underground, traverse the oceans in a ship or tunnels in a mine cart. You can build a lakeside shack or have your own private forest. To sum up, Minecraft is only limited by your imagination.

The Artwork

Some people have called Minecraft's artwork boring and simplistic, but I think it's quite vibrant. The 8-bit style hearkens back to older games, but it also gives the world an immersive feel.

You can get lost in this picture if you stare at it long enough.

The artwork also reflects the game's creative possibilities. You can explore dozens of randomly assorted environments in questing for your character's livelihood. Your weapons and items are similarly 8-bit in appearance.

My first weapon, a sword! Let's go hit some dirt with it :D

The game has quiet, contemplative music that makes for quite nice background noise when you're building your home or exploring the terrain. I'm told that the PC version has more music and environments, as is often the case with games in general.

You can't look at that and not be at least a little excited.

Should I get it?

Absolutely. I cannot recommend this game highly enough. It has no skill or experience requirements and is extremely user-friendly, so those of you out there who just want to make a neat house are just as welcome as the veteran CoD boys. If you do get this game, I recommend getting it over the Xbox version for the same reason I recommend PC games over console games in general: mods. People have modded Minecraft to include new weapons and features, and many of these downloads are free. One person even made a mod featuring Weeping Angels from BBC's Doctor Who sci-fi series.

Don't blink!

Most of these mods are free. The game itself is like $15. No narrative? No problem. Minecraft excels so much in what it attempts to accomplish that I waive its narrativeless-ness entirely. GET THIS GAME :D

This Friday we're going back into heavy narratives with an interesting take on history, and in locations not usually visited by games. Friday's game features a war within a war, and what you're willing to do to bring peace to all.

Bayonetta

Rediscover your identity and halt a plot to remake mankind

Release: November 5, 2010 (PlayStation 3, Xbox 360)

By Ian Coppock

Like many self-respecting video game critics, I try my best to break out of the usual game genres and find things I'm not very familiar with. This journey is a double-edged sword, because just as I might find something awesome, I may also find something that is just too weird or too controversial for me to handle. Bayonetta incorporates elements of both; it's awesome, but it's also weird and controversial.

The Story

As detailed in the game's excruciatingly long opening cinematic, the world of Bayonetta has for millennia been a battleground between the Umbra Witches and the Lumen Sages. The cults consist of evil women and upstanding men, respectively (and isn't that a lovely commentary on gender politics).

These groups seek to control the world but eventually agree to a truce a few centuries before modern times. However, the truce breaks and they destroy each other in a massive war. Flash-forward to modern times and we meet the title character Bayonetta, an ass-kicking but amnesiatic witch who woke up at the bottom of a lake twenty years ago.

Are you with me so far? Because this isn't getting any less complicated.

Sexualized much? Some may say that it's only fair to call her stylized. Me? No.

Bayonetta is an Umbra Witch, apparently the last one alive. She spends her days searching for a magical stone that she thinks contains her memories, all the while fending off legions of angels who've come to drag her off to Paradiso (heaven) for the unholy crime of wielding demonic powers. She's aided in this endeavor by Rodin, a demonic gun-runner who operates out of a classy bar, and Enzo, an unforgivably annoying underworld errand boy.

As you can probably infer from these screenshots, the sexualization and outright fetishism going into this character couldn't be more obvious if it was wearing Christmas lights and screaming "LOOKIELOOKIE!" Nearly everything Bayonetta has to say contains a dirty double-meaning, as does sucking on her lollipop and even holding a gun. Her legs are disproportionately long, and she wears a thin suit made of her own hair. Coy is too nice a word for the look and mannerisms of this character.

I can't even imagine how tasty that lollipop must be. That's why she's making that face, right?

Anyway, Enzo tells Bayonetta that he's found the stone she's after, and she rides off to Europe to look for it in the fictional city-state of Vigrid. She encounters increasingly large numbers of enemies as she looks around, and Rodin comments that the whole place seems too close to Paradiso.

Bayonetta exists in Purgatorio, meaning that she moves around in the real world but no one sees her. In addition to angels, Bayonetta is also pursued by some dude named Luka, who seems torn between wanting to kill Bayonetta and wanting to date her.

These two are interesting. Luka is still annoying as hell.

Everything takes a turn for the weird when Bayonetta finds a little girl who claims to be her daughter. Recalling no such progeny, Bayonetta reluctantly decides to watch over her and let her tag along into ridiculous battles. The trio form an unlikely partnership as they advance closer to the heart of Vigrid, and the truth behind the witch's identity.

The relationship between Bayonetta and Cereza, the little girl, is actually quite amusing.

Though saying that Bayonetta is sexualized is the understatement of the century, the character does have a few redeeming qualities that I found tolerable. The game does a good job of portraying an inner loss of confidence and a yearning to be whole again. I laughed out loud at some of her dialogue, and not just because it was awkwardly written and badly conveyed Japanese screenwriting. The other characters are vacuous and largely forgettable, which I guess helps to keep the spotlight focused on Bayonetta.

Bayonetta's character isn't without some deeper qualities, but let's just say that if Platinum Games had focused on that instead of her cleavage...

The main reason I like Bayonetta is because the gameplay is actually really fun. The game is a hack-and-slash adventure that eschews the very best of old-school Japanese beat-em-ups. You can build up magical power to crush angelic enemies, and the controls are quite fluid. Bayonetta can switch effortlessly between melee and gun attacks, and quickly dodge would-be-decapitation. Time also slows down every time Bayonetta dodges an attack, which makes for satisfying vengeance. You can also unlock some pretty kickass powers, like turning into a panther.

Bayonetta's gameplay is very well-designed. This is also the first time I've ever kicked someone with a giant heel.

True, this game has a bit of a learning curve, but if I can surmount it, any of you certainly can do it. The loading screens also feature a practice room where you can try out different combos before hitting the actual mission. Bayonetta faces off against hordes of angelic creatures with different weapons and attributes, as well as truly gigantic bosses that have six or so health bars (don't worry, checkpoints are frequent).

I don't know if you'll find these depictions of angels in the Bible, but they make for challenging enemies.

Overall, the gameplay is extremely solid and made this game fun (which is great, because the story is so ridiculous and hard to follow that I'd get frustrated otherwise). Though Bayonetta is fighting angels, she's less a villain and more a hard-hitting anti-hero. The angels are also up to something that is only debatably good for mankind. I really respect this game for taking something traditionally black-and-white and graying it up a bit.

The Artwork

Bayonetta shines well in the artistic department. Platinum Games created a visually intriguing world when designing this game, fusing cutting-edge modernity with ideas of paradise and inferno. The city of Vigrid is a gleaming angelic citadel that incorporates modern-day life into its graceful arches and cathedrals.

Vigrid is a strikingly beautiful setting, and very appropriate for a game combining this many motifs.

As much as I liked Vigrid, I liked Paradiso even more. Bayonetta finds herself in the homeland of her enemies more than once, and these environments were breathtaking. When complimented with gentle music and a few angels to boot, it made for a very immersive environment.

I loved the levels set in Paradiso. They were strangely relaxing, even with the hordes of angelic enemies.

Overall, Platinum's environments are beautifully designed but they also rang a bit sterile. Similar to Call of Duty, everything was really shiny and well-kept, which sometimes made me feel like I was in an art museum and not a breathing world. The music isn't anything special, but it works, and the character animations are just fine.

Should I get it?

I don't know. Bayonetta is a fun game with good gameplay, but the story line is pretty weak and purchasing it means supporting one of the most sexualized portrayals of women in the video gaming industry, and isn't that a sobering thought. This game was a gift to me, and I'm not sure I would have picked it up on my own. You decide. If you can swallow principle for about 8 hours of hack-and-slash fun, then nothing's holding you back, but the progressives out there who take issue with feeding money into games like this might reconsider.

Thank you so much, everyone, for your patience. I hope this review was to your liking and will kick off a series of high-energy reviews after too long away. Thanks for reading :D

On Monday I'm reviewing one of the greatest games ever made. For those of who unfamiliar with this picture, prepare for one hell of a wake-up call.

This is why I haven't posted anything in over a week

Hey everyone,

Let me begin by apologizing profusely for not posting a review in over a week. I feel terrible about it. There's been a lot going on in my life and with my computer preventing me from getting back to doing what I love: telling you guys why video games are good or terrible.

About a week ago, my laptop suffered the technological equivalent of an aneurysm. My computer's motherboard, its brain and nerve center, died for reasons I can only guess at. Getting that fixed has been a tremendous pain in the ass. I had to ship my computer back to Dell, and am currently using an old, beat-up laptop that I had to fire up and reconfigure.

The life stuff is just life. You know what I mean by that, I hope; getting assaulted by obligations and tasks from all sides and in such ridiculous volumes as to temporarily halt the other things you have going on. I'm happy to report that these too have subsided.

I'm posting a video game review this evening; you can take that to the BANK. I appreciate your patience more than you could ever know, and rest assured that your faith in me has not gone to waste nor has been forgotten. Thank you for reading. I'm back on track with everything now, and we can all get back to discussing games.

Love,

Ian :D

Undertow

Fight to survive in a world covered by oceans

Release: November 21, 2007 (Xbox 360)

By Ian Coppock

Today's review has to do with the notion of supporting your local economy. Shopping at everything from farmer's markets to mom-and-pop stores helps keep money in the community and results in a better combined economy overall. I say these things because today's game comes from an independent studio near Salt Lake City, Utah, where I live: ChAIR Entertainment. SLC has a growing independent developers' community whose products I hope deserve support. Is Undertow worthy of this prestige? Let's see.

The Story

With Undertow, ChAIR envisioned a world in which all continents have been flooded, and the planet reduced to a worldwide ocean. Years before the events of the game, a mysterious race of aliens called the Elect arrived to Earth and melted the polar ice caps. The resultant flood killed most of the human population.

Though there were few humans left, groups of them banded together to develop aquatic technology. The game focuses on Jason Rake, a pirate-turned-mercenary. Rake is captured by the British during a daring raid over the submerged ruins of London, and is pressed into service with the Iron Marines, an elite group of divers. In exchange, he'll be allowed to live.

I guess that's it for the phrase "a spot of tea out by Big Ben."

Rake begrudgingly begins working for his former enemies, attacking pirates and defending British interests in the Atlantic. After a few missions, matters get turned on their head when his divers are duped into attacking another nation's base.

The assault sparks the attention of other factions, and Jason is soon at the heart of a conflict between not just two, but four, groups all fighting for control of the ocean.

When Rake attacks what he thinks are pirates, the other faction responds with a declaration of war, plunging the sea into chaos.

The game's factions are diverse and cool-looking, but when you put all of them together, the story sounds a bit ridiculous. After the human group, the second faction is led by none other than Jules Verne's Captain Nemo. In Undertow's continuity, Nemo survived the events of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, and founded a massive underwater metropolis for other humane expatriates. Nemo is kept alive by... actually, it never really says how Nemo is still alive after about 300 years. Plot hole.

Captain Nemo is one of the game's main characters, but it's never explained how he's still alive. That's Undertow's rendition of the Nautilus in the background. The Nemo-ites were my favorite faction because of their cool steampunk submarines.

The game's third faction is the Atlanteans, who are presented in Undertow as half-human, half-fish immortals with magical powers. The Atlanteans see the alien attack as their chance to restore their rule over humanity, and are led by the bloodthirsty Helena in this endeavor.

Atlanteans now? Okay, I'm stumbling a bit, Undertow, but I'm trying to follow you.

The fourth faction are the aliens who attacked Earth, the Elect, who are presented as the common enemy of the other three factions. Undertow's story is pretty weak, overall. There's no character development, we never see the faces behind all those diving masks, and though the dialogue is reasonably well-written, the Atlantean stuff is riddled with all sorts of cliches.

Undertow plays like Star Wars: Battlefront II were it a sidescroller. Players pick one of four soldier classes and zoom around submerged maps, picking off enemies until the opposing faction's army counter runs down to 0. Players must also capture spawning points for their units. Whoever runs out of units first loses the match. Undertow's single-player campaign isn't really a narrative so much as a bunch of multiplayer maps against the computer, sprinkled with very quick cutscenes.

Players must side-scroll around the map, taking out enemy subs and divers.

Undertow is reasonably fun once you get the hang of it, but it's extremely repetitive and grind-heavy. I'd kill 200 enemy units in one match, take a 5-second cutscene break, and then sigh as I faced off against another batch of baddies, just in a different map. 

Also, this game has a vicious learning curve. The normal difficulty is soul-crushingly difficult. I couldn't even get past the first level on anything higher than Easy difficulty. I think this game was aimed at quick-fingered Call of Duty maniacs, because I noticed similar patterns of suckage between my performance in Undertow and my Call of Duty matches.

Sloth-like reflexes have no place in the future. If the earth floods, I'm screwed.

Undertow's AI is also pretty predictable. Once I caught onto its nuances, I could usually beat maps with a single tactic. The most effective one I used was taking control of a sub, driving it to a place near the surface, and just pooping endless volleys of missiles onto enemy installations.

Undertow isn't bad so much as mediocre. Repetitive gameplay, super-weak story, high difficulty and AI predictability all combine to make a super-streamlined but simplistic game.

The Artwork

Undertow's graphics are... well they're not terrible, but they're not great, either. I'll give ChAIR a bit of a break because indie studios can't afford Crysis-level graphics engines, but I was still expecting better than this, even for a game released in 2007.

Undertow's graphics were sub-average. The character animations were shaky, and the lack of facial animations was disguised by everyone always wearing a frickin' mask.

 Undertow's underwater environments are beautifully designed. A lot more detail was put into the maps and the environments you visit than the character models. Jason Rake and his friends visit forests of giant kelp, submerged ruins, shipwrecks, buttes, and other formations in the campaign. I thought these were the most impressive feature of the game.

Undertow's environments are cool enough to explore, if you can get past the chaos that is the campaign.

I can't remember any of Undertow's music, which means that it either had none or the music isn't worthy of mentioning. The voice acting and other sound effects weren't anything special. I didn't really think positively or negatively of them, they were just kind of... there.

Should I get it?

Meh. I was hoping to find a better locally-made game, and they definitely are out there, like Shadow Complex and the Infinity Blade series. I wish that everything that came out of my general living space was awesome, but, like with everywhere else that makes games, I've got to cover the good and bad, and what the community can do to make things better. Undertow is perfectly playable, but unless you're into really repetitive, grinding, chaotic battles, I'm not sure I'd bother. $10 on Xbox LIVE.

I've received a request to review the craziest, most insane game I've ever played. It has some surprising redeeming qualities and I had a lot of fun with it, but still, these thoughts can't help but enter my head when I'm battling an angel the size of the moon.

Amnesia: The Dark Descent

Pursue a madman into the depths of a monster-infested castle

Release: September 8, 2010 (Linux, Mac, PC)

By Ian Coppock

Too many are the horror games that coddle us. Much as I love the Dead Space series, most of the scares are muted by the reassurance of overpowered weapons. The Resident Evil series has long stopped pretending to be a horror franchise, and Silent Hill? The buck stopped years ago at its second installment. Games that pit a well-armed intruder against monsters aren't scary so much as startling. Amnesia: The Dark Descent knows this, and avoids this, and in doing so is a horror masterpiece. It is my fifth favorite game of all time. Not only is it actually scary; it's the most terrifying game I've ever played.

The Story

Like everything else about it, Amnesia's narrative is disorienting, scary and mysterious. The game is set in 1839. You are Daniel, a young British man who wakes up in a remote castle. All he can remember is his name.

After several minutes of exploring creaking hallways and abandoned rooms, Daniel finds a note written to himself. It explains that his former self drank an amnesia-inducing potion, though it doesn't specify why. The note also urges Daniel to kill Alexander of Brennenberg, the German noble who owns the castle.

Daniel finds the note to himself shortly after waking up. My mind immediately began brewing with questions. Why did Daniel erase his own memory? Why kill the German baron? Why is he in this goddamn creepy castle in the first place?

In addition to this chilling directive, the note adds that Daniel is being pursued by some kind of terrible creature. It can't be physically perceived or mortally wounded, and thus far, the only solution former Daniel found for dealing with it was to run, run, run his ass away. The Shadow, as former Daniel called it, is an invisible, seemingly omnipresent being that is pursuing Daniel for reasons unknown.

The Shadow is a terrifying foe. It cannot be fought or even seen, but it leaves behind a meaty, bloody residue wherever it goes. Throughout the game, it startles Daniel by roaring at him and will sometimes impede his progress.

With the Shadow blocking all exits, Daniel has little choice but to hunt for Alexander and hope that a solution presents itself. He begins exploring the castle, visiting lavishly furnished rooms and wings in search of a way down.

As Daniel solves puzzles and explores the castle, you get the sensation that the Shadow isn't the only thing after him. Distant growls, creaking floorboards and sudden crashes gave the impression that I had more to worry about than just an invisible, all-present spirit-thingy. I started catching glimpses of strange people limping in the halls.

Woah, what is that? Should I say hi?

As the game progresses and you get deeper into the castle, these creatures are revealed to be horrifically mutilated monsters. And they're searching for you.

OH MY GOD!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING!?!?!?! GAH RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN RUUUUN!!!!!

Though the monsters are certainly scary enough on their own, what makes Amnesia truly terrifying is the limitations it puts on your character. Daniel has no means of self-defense. No plasma cutters, no machine guns, not even a kitchen knife. Your only means of surviving the monsters are to run and hide, and hope they don't find you. Daniel can hide behind objects and inside cupboards. Of course, you can also run like hell and hope for the best.

Ohgodohgodohgod... please don't look inside... please don't find me... (sobs)

Unfortunately, staying alive isn't as simple as hiding. In addition to Daniel's health, players must also manage his sanity. Daniel has a crippling fear of the darkness and loses sanity if he stays in shadows for too long. He also loses sanity from looking at the mutilated creatures pursuing him, or from witnessing disturbing events and sights, like a pile of dead bodies or a pool of blood. As Daniel loses sanity, the visuals on your screen begin to look hazy and blurry. Daniel also suffers terrifying hallucinations, like hanging corpses, swarms of cockroaches and deformed artworks.

When Daniel's sanity is high, this painting looks normal. On low sanity? Not so much.

Daniel has a lantern and tinderboxes for lighting candles, but tinderboxes are rare and your lantern runs down oil quickly. Of course, being lit up like a cheery bonfire makes it really easy for monsters to spot you, creating a constant battle between keeping your sanity and keeping your body parts.

Daniel regains sanity by progressing through the game. In addition to avoiding monsters, players must solve puzzles, some of them quite complex, in order to make progress. Throughout the game, Daniel must mix chemicals, fix machinery and read books, among other things, to get closer and closer to his target.

The puzzles in this game are challenging and fun. Sometimes the pressure ramps up when you have to solve them while avoiding a monster. Don't worry; the game gives out English subtitles when you scroll over a Latin nameplate.

As Daniel fixes, eludes and lights his way to Alexander, he finds pages from his diary and begins piecing together the events that brought him to Castle Brennenberg. It is revealed that Daniel is a junior archaeologist from London, who took an expedition to an ancient African tomb in the months before Amnesia. Within, Daniel found a strange, glowing orb.

After finding the orb, everyone Daniel came into contact with got brutally murdered, as if flayed to pieces by a psychopath. Desperate, Daniel steals his mentor's address book and writes letters all over Europe asking for help. He can't help but feel the orb has something to do with the deaths. He gets an immediate reply from Alexander of Brennenberg, a German noble who promises protection.

Amnesia isn't just a mindless scare-fest. It has a rich and detailed story worthy of Stephen King.

Daniel also starts to unravel the truth about Alexander, and learns that it's tied up with the reason he drank the amnesia potion. Alexander poses as a charming noble, but it becomes clear that there's something more, something monstrous, behind the facade. The orb is part of a greater mission that the baron wishes to undertake.

It's hinted that Daniel was present, even implicit, in this mission, and now his past self wants Daniel to kill Alexander. Daniel can only find the entire truth by descending deeper into the castle, caught between the pursuit of the Shadow and the minions of Alexander.

The Artwork

Amnesia was developed by an independent studio with limited resources, so the graphics aren't great. They're certainly good enough, but certain areas had noticeable lacks of detail. I was usually too busy running away from monsters to notice, though.

Amnesia is nothing if not creative with the macabre.

Most of the environments in this game, though, are wonderfully detailed. You explore archives laden with books, maps and other colorful materials, as well as laboratories, wine cellars and lavishly-furnished living spaces. Though some of these areas are inhabited by monsters, that didn't reduce their visual value for me.

That's quite a lovely parlor- hello random rockslide, happy you could join us.

Of course, just as some areas are rich with 19th-century furnishings and decorations, everything reinforces the feeling of fear, subtly or not.

Oh well that's just upsetting.

The real gem of Amnesia's artwork is its sound design. The team at Frictional Games deserves medals for creating rich, incredibly detailed sounds. Doors creak so creakily that I wondered if they were the creakiest doors of all. Everything from the sound of Daniel taking out his lantern to sorting through books was so crisp and... just... I don't know how to describe them, they were rich sounds!

Let me think... you know how on certain games, the guns just sound good? The shots and the reloads are satisfying in the same way as a beat in your favorite song? That feeling of satisfaction is what I got from Amnesia's sounds. The voice acting was excellent, the dialogue was well-written, and the sound effects ambient and otherwise were quite effective at drawing me in. The game's score is similarly well-done.

The music in this game is fitting for every situation. When Frictional was conducting the monster music, I'm pretty sure they tasered the entire violin section.

The game's levels are also designed quite nicely. The layouts are relatively simple, but Frictional jumbled them up with lots of object arrangements, sights, sounds and the occasional monster. The game isn't totally polished, but perhaps that adds to a horror game.

To sum up, Amnesia is definitely the best horror game of the past few years. True horror comes from being alone and against incredible odds. That feeling of suspense is accented by a strong narrative, a strong reason to care, as well as the visuals, sights and sounds that freeze blood and commence the cries for mother. I seek horror experiences for that primal sensation of adrenaline, the challenge that comes from going up against the terrifying in a battle of wits and dry pants.

If that line of logic doesn't sound quite logical, just nod and smile.

Should I get it?

As much as I wish everyone could enjoy Amnesia, I know that a lot of people aren't into crapping their pants and jumping out of their seats (weirdos). I can only recommend Amnesia for hardcore horror enthusiasts. Regardless of who you are and how many horror games you've played, you will get scared. You will jump. You will shout. You will cringe. But if you are a thrill seeker who loves the rush that comes from something scary, you will love Amnesia. If you're interested in the story but not so much the gameplay, I'd recommend checking out the Amnesia wiki or some Let's Players on Youtube. Amnesia: The Dark Descent is available on Steam for $20. You might also try your luck with a physical copy on Amazon. 

Thanks for reading, everyone. Next week we're headed back into the ocean, not for another round of Shark Attack, but for the future of humanity. Ironically enough, this game about massive bodies of salty water was developed right here in Salt Lake City, Utah.